Bedroom Golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.

* Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

* Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

* For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

* The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.

* Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

* Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

* Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A Scouser walks into the local jobcentre office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE claiming dole. I'd really rather have a job."
 

The civil servant behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent!
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year."

The scouser wide eyed, says, "You're bull****in' me!"

The civil servant says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
 

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .
 

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
 

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The Pope

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
 "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.
 "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the pope.
 

 Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.  "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
 The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 

 "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
 "So bust him," says the Chief.
 "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
 "No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
 
 
 
 
 Cop: "Bigger."
 
 
 
 Chief: "Governor?"
 
 
 
 Cop: "Bigger."
 
 
 
 "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
 
 
 
Cop: "I think it's God!"
 
 
 
Chief "What makes you think it's God?"
 
 
 
Cop: "He's sitting in the back with The Pope driving!"
 

Did you know - Mark Shirley thought he was a great lover - until he found out his wife had asthma!

More jokes from the Peter Kay look-alike: